A few words about ... vacuums!

Last week I got out of bed and into my car to shop for a vacuum cleaner in a semi-robotic, automatic, beam-me-up kind of way. Without first forming a central system for comparison, or reading any review, rating, records or consumer report to gauge the best machines, whether commercial, industrial, bagless, cordless, hepa, wet-dry, or for simplicity of repair, I chose a Bissell vacuum cleaner off the back of a truck from among a pool of Dirt Devil, Dyson, Electrolux, Eureka, Fantom, Hoover, Kenmore, Kirby, Miele, Oreck, Panasonic, Rainbow, Roomba, Royal, Shark, Sharp, and Tristar titles and packaging.

Stranger things have happened. I didn't know what to make of the vacuum guy's cover. He was parked, motor running, on a leaf-strewn lawn by an above ground swimming pool and had some robot-like female pumping pond stuff through hose and tube into a variety of canister, chamber, and storage bags. The whole contraption, topped by a rotary vane, he claimed was some kind of Gast pump coating machine, a sealer and sweeper for the pool-side tile. But of his assistant coater who wore only a bra, he said nothing.

But I was happy to get the vacuum cleaner nevertheless. And I did it all without touching a browser. A marvelous feat.

Interesting, though, to study the shifting sands of modern language (and vacuum manufacturer fortune) by examining what people in search of information about vacuums, in all their guises, entered into browsers the last two months:

You can draw your own conclusions, but I confess to being somewhat flattered and sucked in by the rise of "bissell vacuum" from next-to-last.

Here's what they have to say about the product I bought:

BISSELL'S New Lift-Off® Deluxe Two-In-One Vacuum Adds Comfort and Convenience to Multipurpose Cleaning

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich., March 20, 2004 -- Can comfort, convenience and class be used to describe a vacuum? According to BISSELL Homecare, Inc., the new Lift-Off Deluxe vacuum offers all three and more. It's a two-in-one bagless vacuum with a fully functional detachable canister and features like a canister shoulder strap for truly comfortable and convenient multipurpose cleaning.

The latest in BISSELL's Lift-Off® vacuum line, the Lift-Off Deluxe is a 12 amp upright vacuum with a detachable canister that "lifts off" from the base and functions as a separate vacuum without any loss of power. The machine includes standard Lift-Off features such as an Easy Empty™ Dirt Container and a 30-foot power cord, as well as five new features: on-board storage for the Turbobrush® tool; a filter clean/change indicator; a canister shoulder strap for added portable convenience; an upgraded bare floor tool; and an additional filter pack.

"The versatility of the sharply-designed Lift-Off Deluxe allows consumers to go from one cleaning job to another without switching vacuums," said Jim Krzeminski, BISSELL's senior vice president of product development, sales and marketing. "The feature enhancements add to the ease-of-use of this two-in-one solution for multipurpose vacuuming."

The upright vacuum portion of the Lift-Off Deluxe includes BISSELL's extra wide cleaning path with dual edge cleaning and an Ultra Soft™ Bumper to protect furniture and baseboards. Cleaning tools, including an on-board TurboBrush, a telescoping wand, deluxe stretch hose and a combination dusting brush/upholstery tool, allow for maximum cleaning reach when using either the upright vacuum or canister portion of the machine.

The machine includes a HEPA media filter that captures 99.9 percent of dust mites, pollen and ragweed. The vacuum's rotating brushes lift out dirt from carpet and upholstery and can be turned off for bare floor cleaning.

The suggested retail price of the Lift-Off Deluxe is $229.99. It will be available at retailers nationwide in October 2004.

A 128-year-old company, Grand Rapids-based BISSELL Homecare, Inc. -- pioneer of America's early carpet sweeper -- is an international manufacturer of home cleaning products, including sweepers, vacuums, deep cleaning machines and cleaning formulas sold at retail locations nationwide. The company, in its fourth generation of family leadership, is the seventh largest privately held company in the United States.

To tell the truth, I prefer to buy from a privately held company. At least a privately held company is not legally precluded from deciding to "do the right thing," as are publicly held companies serving abstracted "shareholders" and "the market."

For pure vacuum obsession, see Charlie Lester's incredible "Things that go vrrrrrrooo in the Night" at www.137.com:

Vacuum Cleaner Obsession
Cyberspace Vacuum Cleaner Museum
The Linnell Collection
The Galaasen Vacuum Cleaner Collection

How Much Is Aunt Tillie's Old Sweeper Worth?
Home for Wayward Vacuum Cleaners
Stan Kann

History of the Kirby 500 Series

The History of American Electrolux
Electrolux's First: The Model V
Electrolux's Second Cleaner: The Model XI
Electrolux LX Extravaganza
Electrolux Model AF Restoration
Electrolux Model R

Home for Wayward Vacuum Cleaners
The Airway 88 Mark-II
Charlie Gets a Wilfa
The Fairfax
The Eatonia
The Compact Model 1
A Pair of "Retro" Floor Polishers

The Great American Garage Clean-up!
The Great American Garage Clean-up - Part Two!

Some people just really don't know how to Giggle at Google.

Did I say my new Bissell vacuum cleaner really sucks up dog and pet hair?

On the other hand, why bother?