July 28, 2007

Voting Republican

Occasionally, a friend who is fond of me, will send me columns by Maureen Dowd, hoping to expand my somewhat limited political sensibilities. There was one recently, “Brothers and Sisters, July 25, 2007, NY Times” (Free Democracy link), that addressed the effect Bush is having in turning previously staunch Republicans into Democrats. Well, that is pretty straightforward now; the Republican Party is rather onerous to be associated with at the present time. Which gives rise I suspect to a host of “closet” Republicans, but that is another matter. In any event, the article prompted me to ponder why it is that people voted Republican in the first place. In so far that is that one votes for a party rather then a person, because clearly if one were voting for a person, Bush would have been far less likely to be elected. Then given that one is voting for a party, which particular myth, as there are many, of a party are you voting for. What would prompt any right-thinking person, or fantasy-enveloped person as may be more accurate to vote Republican as clearly about half the country did, approximately, more or less, depending on the day, the state, the person counting and the hang of the chad. It sprang to mind, and I rather like these thoughts that spring to mind. I tend to think that they are inspired while others of my acquaintance see them as misbegotten and ill considered, but there you have it. It sprang to mind that the reason people who vote Republican do so is because they are dreamers. Democrats are pragmatists, but Republicans are dreamers, they believe. Republicans believe in the American Dream, or perhaps the American Myth. They believe that with a little skill, luck and possibly some hard work, they to can be the next Bill Gates, Larry Ellison, Steve Jobs,. They believe in the stories promulgated by Horatio Alger, who, as it turns out, according to Wikipedia, was most likely a pedophile, but maybe that is an interesting parallel in its own right with the Republican Party of today, although slightly off topic. However, the Horatio Alger stories, commonly held to be the genesis of the rags to riches notion of the American Dream are, in fact, usually misrepresented. In his stores, or so Wikipedia indicates, the best most characters attain is not great wealth, but rather through courage, character and the assistance of a wealthy elder gentleman, they are rewarded with a stable middle class existence. Interestingly, they do represent the factual reality of most people’s interaction with American society, the evolution of a middle class. Well, and the odd pedophilia thing. How does that fit in? People who vote Republican believe that they to can become a success here in the USA and that further, if by some wild, weird twist of fate they are successful, then that success will be theirs. No one, governmental or private, will have the right to take their money or their ideas, or tell them what to do, or how to live. It is one of the purest motivations for immigrating here. I can go to the US. I can become a success and no one can take it away from me. It isn’t entirely true. It is, in large part a fantasy, a myth, but nonetheless it is what Republicans are voting for. Does it sound like there is a quasi religious element to this? Yes, I think that there is, however, it isn’t organized religion in the sense that we typically perceive it when we think of conservation Republican politics. It is the politics of belief, the power of fantasy. Democrats, on the other hand, are pragmatists. It is a necessary point of view, but a lot less colorful and thus much harder to seduce people into voting with you. Democrats recognize that most of us, maybe 99.9% of us are not going to be the next Bill Gates. The true percentage is probably even worse, but I am only guessing. Given that nearly all of us are going to spend our lives barely getting by, the Democrats figure it would be a good thing to have small things to assist in basic survival. Things like universal health care and enough money to nominally retire. Democrats care about the necessities of life although they are far less glamorous. People vote Democratic when they have given up, when they are worn down and frightened, but people who vote Republican, when they have nothing and have little prospect of ever having anything. These are the people voting on faith, voting for a possibility, for a fantasy. I admit it, what some of you have always suspected and derided. From time to time I have voted Republican, to the consternation, dismay and contempt of those who think I should know better.
July 21, 2007

The Ignoramus

He is sitting the by himself in the bar at McCormick and Schmick’s. This is okay, I eat by myself in restaurants all the time and I am female. Yes, it is harder for us then for you others, but another matter that. There he is. “Yes, sir, we do have a one and a half pound lobster. Our last one for the evening.” So, he works his way through two plates of assorted other and at last it arrives. Shining in its slightly luninescent red glory. Is he awed, slightly worshipful, humbled by the feast laid before him. No, the fool is on his cell phone. So he lays into the lovely thing, this piece of nirvana, one handed, the other hand occupied with clutching his cell phone to the cheek he is determined to stuff. Now lobster cannot and should not be gobbled down one handedly, distractedly while nattering away on a cell phone. Lobster is to be savored, eaten slowly, bite by bite. Lovingly dipping each morsel in drawn butter. Delighting in its sweetness and licking ones lips. Hmm…. maybe licking someones else’s lips, but I digress. Here before me is the ignoramous, trying ineffectually to detach the tail meat, which he cannot do without both a knife and fork, two hands and a chunk of focus. The best he can do is to roll the tail meat as if it were spaghetti into a huge ball on his fork, then he holds down the shell with the elbow of the cell phone hand and jerks the mass of tail meat away from the shell. Okay, dip and nibble I think, that could work, but I have forgotten who I am dealing with here and I watch shocked as he shoves he whole ball of tail into his mouth. He is perplexed, what to do? Too much to chew, can’t swallow,worse, can’t talk! Alas, he is forced to hang up the cell phone and attempt to sort the situation out. An idiot of the worst sort.
July 20, 2007

The God Vote

Sitting around in a hotel room, as I seem to be doing quite a lot of these days, and attempting to avoid doing whatever it was that I should have been doing, having also sacificed my laptop to the male members of the family, there was naught to do but watch CNN on TV. Repeatedly, endlessly. Thus, on a segment which I believe was called “Keeping Them Honest”, a worthy effort I am sure, however ineffective, I came across “The God Vote”. It appears, at least to their own pundits, that the democrats have finally gotten their act together and decided that they are not simply going to cede the God Vote to the Republicans. After all, they are good god-fearing people themselves, why should they just sit back and let the Republicans be the only ones making hay in those fields. It turns out that recent polls indicate that most Americans are of the God-fearing type and if not God-fearing then at least God-conversant. Apparently the exact blend of percentages, which God, worshiped in what particuar way, by how many, varies across the country, but it remains clear that upwards of seventy-five percent of us like to hear about God from our politicians. We like to hear that they look to a higher source for their inspiration and motivation. This appears to be true everywhere ,but California, where the Godless heathens live. Who would have thought? Apparently Bush is on the right track, letting himself be guided by God. There are even those who feel that Bush doesn’t refer to God enough, that he should do it more often. By this point I was pretty nauseated. I had always thought that my relationship to a God, assuming I could figure out which and why in the first place, was sort of a personal thing. A private matter between myself and whatever. But the best is yet to come. The parting segment is a short video of Hillary Clinton quoting the bible at a campaign speech. I had to turn the segment off before they could run it again. It was bad enough that I had to think that she had sacrificed the last shreds of her integrity to do this, to please the handlers and consultants who told her that this was what America wants in a president, but further, she doesn’t do it well. It comes across as an act and a bad one at that. And I had such high hopes for the woman. Who knows, maybe it plays well outside of the land of the heathens.
July 19, 2007

Jet lag

Phoenix Chicago West Lafayette Niles Kalamazoo Ann Arbor Toledo Cleveland Providence Old Greenwich Providence Las Vegas Gibson hypothicates that when you fly, your soul, not traveling as fast, trails behind you, lost somewhere in the ether, struggling to catch up.
July 10, 2007

How I Learned My ABCs

“a” word
“b” word
“c” word
“d” word
“e” word
“f” word
“g” word
“h” word
“i” word
“j” word
“k” word
“l” word
“m” word
“n” word
“o” word
“p” word
“q” word
“r” word
“s” word
“t” word
“u” word
“v” word
“w” word
“x” word
“y” word
“z” word

We are a nation of children.

March 20, 2007

Iraq: A Republican War

Whether a consequence of principle or politics, one thing is clear from public polling at the four year mark: George Bush’s war in Iraq has become indisputably a minority, one-party, Republican War. Now supported by only 32% of Americans according to a recent CNN/Opinion Research poll (Poll: Support for the Iraq war deteriorates, March 19, 2007), the war in Iraq eeks out that very low level of overall public support only because it is still supported by more 70% of Republicans, though almost unanimously opposed by Democrats (91%) and very unpopular among Independents, 73% of whom now disapprove of Bush’s handling of the situation in Iraq (CBS News/New York Times Poll, Feb 23-27, 2007). As CNN senior political analyst Bill Schneider points out in his March 19, 2007 down 40 points in 4 years Favor US War in Iraq .. CNN / Opinon Research 72% 48% 47% 40% 32% 2003 : 91% republican; but 55% democrat CNN, USATODAYGallup 2007 24% republicans oppose ; 91% democrats CNN Opinon Research January 1971 public opposition about same as current war in irag republican 61% oppose Gallup Poll Deomcrats 59% oppsoe CNN senior political analyst Bill Schneider Poll: Support for the Iraq war deteriorates
June 29, 2006

Drive By Briefing of President Bush

A wonderful piece of video — get it while you can — illustrating the effects and contents of what George Bush — the man himself, a ramblin’ and explannin’, up and grinnin’ wide as day on the hot spot before the camera — very genuinely, believably described as a “Drive-By Briefing,” prepping him for questions on the Supreme Court’s Center-Left line-in-the-sand stance on the Court’s authority over all matters consequential not just to Constitutional Rights but to Human Rights as well, to the extent We, The United States of America, still stand as signatories to various quaint Humanist conventions of International Law, foremost the Geneva Conventions.

Our President’s Drive By Briefing

Unfortunately, it is an open question whether the American Public, the demos at large, has sufficient residual common sense and moral judgment — the most conservative and indeed heroic of “Conservative Virtues” — to care a fig about their own common humanity with people and peoples everywhere around all the Flat Four Square corners of this He-Himself-Created, Seven-Day Wonder of a Planet. Do they have the residual common human sense to recognize that ocean of others no more in control of things, no more really profiting, gaining, finding peace and meaning in life, than themselves?

Transcript

BUSH: We’ve agreed to take two questions a side.

Walking in, I reminded the prime minister of one of Elvis’ greatest songs: “Don’t Be Cruel.”

(LAUGHTER)

So keep that in mind when you ask your question.

(LAUGHTER)

QUESTION: Thank you, Mr. President.

You’ve said that you wanted to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay but you were waiting for the Supreme Court decision that came out today. Do you intend now to close Guantanamo Bay quickly? And how do you deal with the suspects that you said were too dangerous to be released or sent home?

BUSH: You know, I — thank you for the question on the court ruling that literally came out in the midst of my meeting with the prime minister. And so I haven’t had a chance to fully review the findings of the Supreme Court.

BUSH: I, one, assure you that we take them very seriously.

Two, that to the extent that there is latitude to work with the Congress to determine whether or not the military tribunals will be an avenue in which to give people their day in court, we will do so.

The American people need to know that this ruling, as I understand it, won’t cause killers to be put out on the street. In other words, there’s not a — as I had a drive-by briefing on the way here, I was told that this was not going to be the case.

At any rate, we will seriously look at the findings, obviously.

And one thing I’m not going to do, though, is I’m not going to jeopardize the safety of the American people. People got to understand that. I understand we’re in a war on terror, that these people were picked up off of a battlefield, and I will protect the people and at the same time conform with the findings of the Supreme Court.

QUESTION: (OFF-MIKE)

BUSH: I haven’t had a chance to fully review what the court said. I wish I had; I could have given you a better answer.

As I say, we take the findings seriously.

And, again, as I understand it — now, please don’t hold me to this — that there is a way forward with military tribunals in working with the United States Congress. As I understand, certain senators have already been out expressing their desire to address what the Supreme Court found. And we will work with the Congress.

I want to find a way forward. In other words, I have told the people that I would like for there to be a way to return people from Guantanamo to their home countries. But some people need to be tried in our courts, and the Hamdan decision was the way forward for that part of my statement.

BUSH: And, again, I would like to review the case. And we are. We got people looking at it right now to determine how we can work with Congress, if that’s available, to solve the problem.

May 26, 2006

Neil Young’s Articles of Impeachment

Article I
Let’s impeach the president for lyin’
Misleading our country into WAR
Abusing all the power that we gave him
And shipping all our money out the door

Who’s the man who hired all the criminals
The white house shadows who hide behind closed doors
And bend the facts to fit with their new story
Of why we have to send our men to war

Article II
Let’s impeach the president for spyin’
On citizens inside their own homes
Breaking ev’ry law in the country
By tapping our computers and telephones

What if AL QUAEDA blew up the levees,
Would New Orleans have been safer that way?
Sheltered by the government’s protection
Or was someone just not home that day?

Article III
Let’s impeach the president for hijacking
Our religion and using it to get elected
Dividing our country into colors
And still leaving black people neglected

Thank GOD he’s crackin’ down on steroids
Since he sold his old baseball team
There’s lots of people lookin’ at big trouble
But of course the president is clean

Thank God

— Neil Young, Let’s Impeach the President from Living With War

Thank God
Thank God
Thank God
Thank God

Thank God
Thank God
Thank God
Thank God

May 22, 2006

Neil Young, Living With War

You already should have been casting the only kinda vote worth casting these days by setting your computer(s) to listen 24/7 to the live stream at Living With War

Not bad background radio to life at this point, so I find myself listening to it too.

By the way, if you haven’t seen it, definitely check out this Old Hippie’s Chewed Rat Story. He “took it as a sign,” no less.

March 2, 2006

The Canonical List of Weird Band Names

This unexpurgated version of “The Canonical List of Weird Band Names” from 7/19/98 is preserved and presented here to give the lie to the growing number of web sites, commercial and personal, that are mindlessly reproducing some nameless PC-ditherhead’s sanitized version, which first surfaced back in the wild and woolly days of the net when chellec created and yet maintained the authentic Canonical List of Weird Band Names. Imagine the mentality of someone who could, for example, approve band names the likes of “Amputatoe,” “Anal Babes,” “Anal Beard Barbers,” and even “Anal Cunt,” and yet figure “Amputee and the Eunichs” was just too, too much for public sensibilities, and hack it off the Canonical List. 

Do not be decieved! Demand the real thing!

— Amputee and the Eunichs (1977-1979)

The Canonical List of
Weird Band Names

The Peculiar and the Profane

These are names of actual bands, past and present.

Updated 7/19/98. There are currently 1,230 band names.
New entries indicated with NEW!

groovy scenesters since 12/30/95, says Web Counter.

Please send real band names and feedback to

[a] [b] [c] [d] [e] [f] [g] [h] [i] [j] [k] [l] [m] [n] [o] [p] [q] [r] [s] [t] [u] [v] [w] [y] [z]


[ a ]

A Box of Fish with Tartar Sauce
A Boy Named Gomer
Above Average Weight Band
Abracadaver
Abstract Evil Barbie
A Cat Born In An Oven Isn’t a Cake
Accidental Goat Sodomy
Adickdid
Adult Children of Heterosexuals
The Advil Monkeys
Affordable Floors
Afghanistan Banana Stand
Aggressive Crotch Display
Agnes Morehead
Aha, the Attack of the Green Slime Beast
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Alien Nymphos from Uranus
Alien Sex Fiend
All You Can Eat
The Amazing Embarrasonic Human Karaoke Machine
Amberham Lincoln
Amputatoe
Amputee and the Eunichs
Anal Babes
Anal Beard Barbers
Anal Cunt
Anal Genocide
Anal Sadist
Anal Sausage
Ancient Chinese Penis
An Emotional Fish
Angry Samoans
Anus the Menace
Appalachian Death Ride
Apocolypse Hoboken
The Archbishop’s Enema Fetish
Are These My Pants?
The Armadildoes
Armageddon Dildos
Armpit
Arm the Homeless
Arthur Loves Plastic
Ashtray Babyhead
Ashtray Boy
The Ass Baboons of Venus
Ass Ponys
Assrash
Ass Solvent
Assuck
Asylum Street Spankers
Attila The Stockbroker

[ b ]

Baby Shit Brown
Badical Turbo Radness
The Bad Livers
Bad Mutha Goose
Baldilocks
Baloney Ponys
Banana Blender Surprise
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
A Band Named Bob
Band Over
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Bang Gang
Barbara’s Bush
Barbeque Bob and the Spare Ribs
Barbie Bones
Barefoot Hockey Goalie
Barenaked Ladies
Barf
Barnyard Ballers
Barnyard Slut
Barney Rubble and the Cunt Stubble
Barry White Boys
Bassholes
The Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash
Bearded Clams
Bearded Itchy Lover
Beast Penis
Beats the Hell Out of Me
Bedwetter
Beef Masters
The Bendy Monsters
Ben Wa and the Blue Balls
Bertha Does Moosejaw
Bertha’s Mule
Betty Ford
Betty’s Fish Bag
Betty’s Not a Vitamin
Beverley Beer Bellies
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
Big Ass Truck
Big Balls and the Great White Idiot
Big Bird’s Turds
Big Black Nun
Big Blow and the Bushwackers
Big Daddy Cumbuckets
Big Dead Fish
Big Dick and the Extenders
Big Fat Pet Clams From Outer Space
Big Fish Ensemble
Big In Iowa
Big White Undies
The Biggest Freak in New Jersey
Bimbo Toolshed
Bindle Blaster and the Big Stub Disaster
Bionic Roomate
Birth Hole
Bitch Slap
Bitter Enemies/Butter Enemas
Bizarr Sex Trio [sic]
The Black Jewish Homosexual Experience
Black Leather Agenda
Black Leather Jesus
Bleeding Rectum
Blew Willie
Bloated Scrotum
Bloated Tick
Blonder Tongue
Blood Sledge Electric Death Chickens
Bloody Mess and the Scabs
Bloody Stools
Blow Job Queen
Blow Monkeys
Blown Apart Bastards
Blue Balls Deluxe
Boba Fett Youth
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
Body Falling Down Stairs
Boiled Angel
Bolt Upright and the Erections
Bondage A Go Go
Bonedaddys
Boner Donors
Bongwater
Bongzilla
Bordering On Retarded
Boris the Sprinkler
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
Bowling for Larva
BowWowWowHaus
The Boxing Ghandis
Boy Scouts of Annihilation
Bozo Porno Circus
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Breakfast in Beirut
Brian Jonestown Massacre
Bright Blue Gorilla
Brown Lobster Tank
Brutis Bit Me
Buck Naked and the Bare Bottom Boys
Bullwinkel Gandhi
Brutal Juice
Brutal Noodle
Buck Satan and the 666 Shooters
Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellas
Buddha Thunkit
Bulimia Banquet
Bumgravy
The Bumpin’ Uglies
Bunchoffuckingoofs
Burger Pimp
Burning Lesbians
Burning Sofa #10
Burn Your Tongue
The Bus Station Loonies
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators
Butt Jowl Picnic
Butthole Surfers
Butt Savages
Buttsteak
Butt Trumpet

[ c ]

Caltransvestites
Cancer Bunny
Candy Striper Death Orgy
Cannibal Elvis
Cap’n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Captain Cardiac and the Coronaries
Captain Drinking Binge
Carnage Asada
Car Sickness
Castration Squad
Cat Butt
Cat Rapes Dog
Carter the Unstoppable Sexmachine
Celebrity Skin
Cervix Couch NEW!
Ces Jacuzzi and the Slumlords
Cheap Trucker’s Speed
Cheetah Chrome Motherfuckers
Cherokee Sex Workshop
Cherry Coke Enema
Cherry Poppin’ Daddies
Cher UK
Chewbacca Plaid Cock
Chia Pet
The Chicken Charmers
Chickens On Smack
Children of the Vending Machine
Chocolate Bunnies From Hell
Christ On a Crutch
Christ On a Stick
Cindy Brady’s Lisp
Circle Jerks
Clive Pig and the Hopeful Chinamen
Clitaurus Rex
Clown Meat
Clowns For Progress
Clusterfuck
Cobaine’s Brains
Cocknoose
Coconut Dwarf Assault
Coffin Break
Colon On The Cob
Colostomy Grab-Bag
Cookie Mould and the Smegmettes
Coolie and the Sex Crimes
The Couch Slugs
Corpses as Bedmates
Cortizone 5
Crack and the Drug Sniffin’ Dogs NEW!
Crappy the Clown and the Punch Drunk Monkies
Craven Morehead
Crazy Evelyn
Crazy Little White Guy NEW!
Crazy Taco Cafeteria
Cream of Whoop-Ass Soup
The Creation of the Universe Was a Beautiful Thing
Crew Slut
Crispy Ambulance
Crocheted Doughnut Ring
Crosseyed Chicken
The Crucifucks
Crushed Infant NEW!
Crybabies With Brassholes
Crystal Shit NEW!
Cultivated Bimbo
Cum Dumpster
The Cunning Runts
Cunts With Attitude
Curious George and the Homophobes
Cycle Sluts From Hell

[ d ]

Daddy’s Got the Biggest NEW!
Dairy Queen Empire
Damn the Bad Luck
Damn You Peter Pan
Dancing Cigarettes
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
Dayglo Abortions
Dead Ant Farm NEW!
The Dead Bodyguards of Abraham Lincoln NEW!
Dead Blue Cat
Dead Fish Prophecy
Dead Kennedys
Dead Milkmen
The Dead Pants [Die Toten Hosen]
Dead People
The Dead Sea Squirrels
Death Spleen
DebbieDoDog
Decaying Testicles
Deepthroat Shotgun
Demon Barf
Department of Crooks
Desciples of Ed
Devestation Wagon
Diahrrea Juice and the Pepto Kids
Dick Cheese and the Crackers
The Dick Clarks
Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles
Dick Duck and the Dorks
The Dick Nixons
Dickless
The Dicks
Dicky Retardo
Did Lee Squat?
Diet Christ
Dildo Took a Taxi NEW!
Dildo Warheads
Dinner is Ruined NEW!
Dirt Clod Fight
Dirty Dick and the Trojan Test Pilots
Dirty Girl Scout
Disappointed Parents
Disgruntled Postal Workers
The Dismemberment Plan
The Do I Look Like I Give a Fucks
Dog Food Five
Dogfuckers
Doggy Style
Dog Lips
Dog Shit Rangers
Dogs of Bagfood
Dogs With Jobs
Don Knotts Overdrive
Don’t Call Me Francis
Dopper Cocks
Doris Daze
Douche Gimlet
Dow Jones and the Industrials
Downy Mildew
Dracula Milk Toast
Drag King
Dragmules
Draw Your Own Cow [Rita din egen ko]
Dr. Castrato and the Measles
Dreaded Apparatus
Dregs Kill Jesus
Drew Barrymore’s Dealer
Drive By Crucifixion
Drive-In Funeral
Drunken Ugly Basement Brothers
Drunks With Guns
Dukes of Hazardous Material
Duke Tumatoe and the All Star Frogs
Dumpster Juice
Dusty Cowshit
Dwarf Bitch

[ e ]

Earthpig and Fire
Ear Wacks
Eat My Afterbirth
e. coli
Edith Head
Ed Gein’s Car
Ed’s Redeeming Qualities
Eeyore Ass Guzzlers
Eight Inches of Throbbing Pink Jesus
Elastic Sausage
Electric Blue Peggy Sue and the Revolutionions from Mars
Electric Prostates
Electric Vomit
El Groupo Sexo
Elmer Jacobsen and the Emasculated Cockroaches
The Elvis Diet
Elvis and the Shitheads
Elvis Hitler
Emily’s Sassy Lime
End of Orgy
Enema Bandits NEW!
Engorged With Blood NEW!
Epileptic Disco NEW!
Ernest Truley’s Bare Bottom Spankings and Salvation NEW!
Eternal Erection
Ethyl Meatplow
Ethyl Merman
Eve’s Plumb
Evil Nurse Sheila
Evil Weiner
Experimental BBQ
Exploding Boy
Exploding Fuck Dolls
Exploding Head Trick
Exploding Tits
Exploding White Mice

[ f ]

Fabulous Pimps
Facial Defecation
Fag
Fag Bash
Fangboy and the Ghouls
Farrt
Fart Kazoo
The Fartz
Fatal Sneeze
Fat and Fucked Up
The Fat Chick from Wilson Phillips
Fat Luv
Fearless Iranians From Hell
Fear of Clowns
The Fellatio Ratio
Fetus Fajitas
Fields of Shit
The Fierce Nipples
’57 Lesbian
Filthy Pussy Finger
Five Fat Guys Who Rock
Fix My Head
Flaming Box of Ants
The Flaming Donuts of Jesus
Flaming Lips
Flaming Technicolor Vomit
Flaming Vomit
Flamin’ Schnanuses
Flatulent Chicken
Flatutory Rape
Flavor of Uranus
Flopping Bodybags
Flying Crap NEW!
Flying Dustbunnies
Force Vomit
Foreskin 500
Foul Mouth Mitchy
Four Dudes In a Band
4 Guys Named Doris
Four Honkies In a Big Black Car
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
Frankenstein Drag Queens from Planet 13
Freak Daddy Love Cheese
The Freaky Executives
The Fred Mertz Experience
Free Beer
Free Beer and Chicken
Free Range Chicken
The French are from Hell
Fresh Rectum
Freud Chicken
Frogs Don’t Cry
Fromage d’Amour
Fuck
Fuckemos
Fuckface
Fuckhead
Fucking Angels
The Fucking Cunts
Fuckin’ Shit Biscuits
Fuckin’ Son of a Bitch
Fuck Me I’m Irish
Fuck Me, Suck Me, Call Me Helen
Fuckshitpiss
Fuck Your Stupid Civilization
Fuck You Yankee Bluejeans
Fudge Tunnel
Full Throttle Aristotle
Full Metal Chicken
Full Metal Faggot
The Funkin’ Donuts
Funky Donkey Cheese NEW!
Funman and the Scumbags
Furious George

[ g ]

Gag Factor
Galaxy of Mailbox Whores NEW!
Gang Green
Gangrene
Gangway Fathead
Gay Doctors with AIDS
Gaye Bikers on Acid
Gee That’s A Large Beetle I Wonder If It’s Poisonous
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Geisha Balls
Genitorturers
Giant Chunker Monkeys with Wings in Crack Houses
The Glands of External Secretion
Global Disrobal
Glory Hole
Gluecifer
Gnat King Kong
God Hates Computers NEW!
God Meat God
God’s Girlfriend
Goldfish Don’t Bounce
The Go Kill Yourselves
Go Nad Go
Gonoreagan
Goober Patrol NEW!
The Gotohells
Grandpa’s Become a Fungus
Granny’s Hole
Gregory’s Pecker
Grim Skunk
Grand Mother Fucker
Gregg Turner and the Blood Drained Cows
Gringo Star NEW!
Groinal Socket
Groinchurn
Guess My Perversion [Gissa min perversion]
Guitarantula
Guns N’ Wankers NEW!
Gut Full of Cheese
Guyana Koolaid

[ h ]

Habitual Sex Offenders
The Hair & Skin Trading Co.
Hakan Sleeps Naked [Hakan Sover Naken]
Half Man, Half Biscuit
Halibutt Sharon
Hallelujah Ding Dong Happy NEW!
Halo of Flies
Hamster Sandwich
The Happiest Guys In the World
Hard-drinkin’ Housewives
Hard-Ons
Harry and the Mulefuckers
Harry Palms and the Gym Towels
Harry Pussy
The Hate Fuck Trio
Headless Marines
Headlice
Head Like a Hole?
Heavy Into Jeff
Heavy Mentally Retarded
Heavy Pink Insulator
Heavy Vegetable
Helen Keller Plaid
The Helicopter Barfs [Helikoptern kraeks]
Hellacopter Meat
Hell Camino
Hell Toupee
Hello I’m A Truck
Henry Kissinger’s Tits
Here Are the Facts You Requested
Here, Eat This!
Her Majesty the Baby
Hermaphrochrist
The Hermaphrodaddies
Herpes Cineplex
He’s Dead Jim
Heterophobia
Heterosexual and Ashamed NEW!
Heywood Trout Festival
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler’s Bikini
Hitler Stole My Potato
HIV and the Positives
Hockey Teeth
Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
Holy Mary, Mother of Bert
The Home for the Def Big Band
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Honk If You’re Horny
Hornets Attack Victor Mature
Horny Hogs
Horny Mormons
Horny Sack of Beans
The Horrid Farts
Horseshit Gunfire
Hostile Amish NEW!
Hot God Vomit
Hot Rod Shopping Cart
Hot Seamen
House of Large Sizes
Hugh Jorgan and the Four Skins
The Humpers
The Hurling Tandooris

[ i ]

I Buried Paul
Ice Cream Headache
Icky Boyfriends
Icky Wicky Chocky Bicky
If Cows Had Wings
I Hate You
I Just Killed My Parents
I Love My Shih-Tzu
Immaculate Infection
Impaled Nazarene
Imperial Butt Wizards
Impotent Seasnakes
Incest by Marriage NEW!
Individual Fruit Pie
Infamous Bastards
The Inflatable Boy Clams
Inflatable Dates
Inflatable Grandpa
The Inflatable Jesus Love Dolls
Inflatable Party Sheep
Inhale Mary
Insane Clown Posse
The Insult That Made a Man Out of Mac
The Invisible Fish Business
The Introspective Playboy
Invisible Flintstones
Iodine Raincoat
Iowa Beef Experience
I Played in Anal Spew
Iron Liver
Iron Prostate
The Italians Obsessed with Cheese
It’s All Meat
I Wrote the Bible

[ j ]

Jabbering Trout
Jackie O Motherfucker
Jack Off Jill
The Jackofficers
Jackwhacker
Jalopy Taco Stand
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jason’s Cat Died
Jazz Iguanas
The Jean Paul Sartre Experience
Jeffrey Jeffrey Hysterectomy NEW!
Jehovah’s Waitresses
Jehovah’s Wetness
Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
Jello Logic
Jenny’s Pussy
Jerry’s Kids
Jesus Christ and the Nailknockers
Jesus Christ Smokes Holy Gasoline NEW!
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jesus Fucking Christ
JFKFC
Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
The Jesus Presley Experience NEW!
Jiggle the Handle
Jif and the Choosy Mothers
Jim Jones and the Kool Aid Kids
The Jizzbuckets
Jizzy Speedwack
Joan of Arkansas
Jodie Foster’s Army
Joe Puke and the Chunky Bits
John Cougar Concentration Camp
John Holmes: Cucumber Smuggler
Johnny Jism
Johnny McPenis and the Ass Clams
Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams
Johnny Uterus and the Fallopian Tubes
Johnny Vomit
Jolly Naked Fishermen
Jonestown Punch
Juggernaut Crustacean
Juggling Death Squad
Just Plain Cheese

[ k ]

Kaka Pussy
Kamakazi Sex Pilots
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kenfunky Fried
Kerrigan’s Knees
Kick Ass Ernie
Kid Bastard and the Strap-on Dicks
Kid With Man Head
The Killer Hayseeds NEW!
Killer Kiwis
Killer Pussy
Kill Me NEW!
Kill Ted Knight
King Fucker Chicken
Kiss My Poodle Donkey
Kissing the Pink
Knights of Butthole [Perseenreian Ritarit]
Kung Foo Dykes
Kung Fu Action Clergy Persons
K.Y. and the Backsliders

[ l ]

Lack of Afro
Lavay Smith and The Red Hot Skillet Lickers
Lawn Piranha
Lawnsmell
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Lee Press-On and the Nails
Lesbian Dopeheads on Mopeds
Lesbian Ninjas
Lick the Fat Elvis
Likehell
Lip Smacking Kitten Lunch
Lipstick Sandwich
Liquid Jelly Monkey Love
Lisa Gives Head
Little German Sailor Kid
Live Jimi Presley
The Look of Christians [Kristet Utseende]
Lord Panic and the Exploders
Lorne Greene’s Wet Nipple
Lost Underpants of Doom
Love Gravy
Lovebucket & Slapphappy Super-fly
Lubricated Goat
Lubricunts
Lucifer Loves Tarantino NEW!
The Luminous Toilet Bowls
Lunatic Candy Kreep
Lung Mustard
Lust Buckets
Luxury Christ

[ m ]

Maggot Sandwich
Ma Joad and the Load-Blowers
Make Lisa Rich NEW!
Man Is the Bastard
Man…or Astro-Man?
Manson-Nixon Line
Mao Tse Helen
Marcia Brady’s Tits NEW!
Mary Carves the Chicken
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Ma Shot Pa
Mate/Spawn/Kill
Max Roach and the Holders
Mayhem Lettuce
Me and My Right Hand
Meat Beat Manifesto
Meat Cigars
Meatpipe
Meat Puppets
Meat Shits
Meaty Pants
Mechanical Tampon Fish
Me First and the Gimmee Gimmees NEW!
Mega Smegma
Melissa’s House of Crabs
Men Among Poodles
Menstrual Gravy
Mermaids In the Basement
Microwavable Tree Frogs
Midget Sperm Bank
Mighty Sphincter
Mile High Super Sloth
Mill Valley Taters
Minnie Pearl Necklace
Minnie Pearl’s Jam
Miracle Wimp
Mr. Bill and the Cumtones
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Mr. Holland’s Anus
Mr. Quintron and the Flossy Unicorn Puppet Show
Mr. Shit
Mr. Tasty and the Bread Healers
Mr. T Experience
Moist Fist
Monkey Fucks Football
Mother Fungus
Mouthfart
The Morbid Tavern Apple Choir
More Drunk Cowboys
The Most Sordid Pies
Mother Theresa’s Children [Moder Theresas Barn]
Mott the Hoople
Mouse and the Traps
Much Ado About Shit
The Muffs
Mussolini Headkick
The Mutated Daisies I Once Found in My Garden NEW!
My Dad is Dead
My Dog Has Hitler’s Brain
My Friend Kevin
My Inverted Stomach
My Sister Harold
My Three Scum
My Uncle’s Asshole
My White Bread Mom

[ n ]

Naked Potato
The Naked Skinnies
Nancy Reagan’s Abortions
Nasal Sex With Broken Glass
Nashville Pussy
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Natural Fonzie
Naugahyde Chihuahuas
Nearly Died Laughing While Shaving My Butt
Ned’s Atomic Dustbin
The Negro Problem
Nervous Christians
Neutral Milk Hotel
The Newlydeads
New Squids on the Dock
New Wave Hookers
New Wet Kojak
The Nine Inch Richards NEW!
9 Invisible Ninjas of the Apocalypse
99th Fuck You
Nip Drivers
Nipple Erectors
Nipple Hardness Factor
Nocturnal Emissions
Nomad Nipples
Noodle Muffin and the Pig Squints
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
Nothing But Puke
Not Now I’m Naked NEW!
Not With My Camel
Nuclear Dog Food
Nuclear Pope Sex Dolls
Nurse With Wound
Nuts Can Surf

[ o ]

Octapussy
Oedipussy
Once I Killed a Gopher With a Stick
1,200,000 Dead Tibetians
1000 Homo DJs
Operation Cliff Claven
Organic Condom Mazda Drugs
The Original Piece of Shit Band
Out of Godzilla’s Butt
Out Vile Jelly
Ovarian Trolley
Ovarydose
Ozzy Beard Spaghetti

[ p ]

Pabst Smear
Painful Discharge
Painful Rectal Itch
Paisley Brain Cells
Pamper the Madman
Pandora’s Lunch Box
Pansy Division
Part Time Christians
Paul Minor’s Great Big Ego
Peace Love and Pitbulls
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
Pee
Pee Shy
The Pee Tanks
Pelvic Meatloaf
Penis DeMilo
Penis Flytrap
Penis Pulling Ramrods of Death
Penis Sheurekan
Penis Your Majesty
Penis Wrinkle
People With Chairs Up Their Noses
Peppermint Dildo
Pepto Dismal
Perforated Head
Personal Hygeine
Peter and the Test Tube Babies
Phallus Dei
Phenobarbidols
Philemon Arthur and the Dung
Phlegm
Phlegm Fatale
Phone Bill from Hell
Picadilly Circus People
Pieces of Lisa
Pimps of Venus
Pineapples From the Dawn of Time
Pink Slip Daddy
Piss
The Piss Drunks
Pissed Officers
Piss Factory
The Pissflaps
Piss Wizards
Placenta Sandwich
Planet of Pants
The Plastered Bastards
Plastic Nude Martini
Plastic Santa Claus
Playdough Fish
The Pleasure Fuckers
Poison Okies
Poonanie Cramp-Up
Poop Shovel
Pope John Paul Quartet with Friends and Blowers on the Rocks
Pope on a Stick
Popemobile
Popular Organs
Pork Queen
Porn Flakes
Pornhuskers
Porn on the Cob
Post Nasal Drip
Poultry in Motion
Pounded Clown
Power of Pussy
Power Snatch
Pregnant Men
Premature Ejaculation
Premature Evacuation
Pretentious Flamedogs
Pretty Fuck Luck
The Price of Dope
Prick
Prick Harness
Princess Tinymeat
Printed At Bismarck’s Death
Prison Rape Scenes
Proctal Taxedermy
Professor Morrison’s Lollipop
Projectile Afterbirth
Projectile Booty Nuggets NEW!
The Pro-Midget Mafia
Proof of Utah
Psychic Buddist Gorillas
Psycho Sluts from Hell
Public Enema
PubLic Hair
Puke Daisies
Puking Squirrels from Hell
Pumpin’ Ethyl
Pungent Frustration
Pure Bastard Extract
Purple Headed Love Warriors
Purple Vulture Shit
Pussy Crush
Pussy Galore
Pussy Tourette

[ r ]

Radical Vulvetomy
Rage Against the Coffee Machine
Raggedy Aneurysm NEW!
Raging Pimps of Doom
Raging Woodies
Rainbow Butt Monkeys
The Rampant Hedgehogs
Random Dudes NEW!
Rash of Stabbings
Rat in the Gravy
Rats of Unusual Size
Real Fucking Idiots
Rebel Without Applause
Recktum
Rectal Nightmare
Rectal Pizza NEW!
Red Neck Girlfriend
Red Red Meat
Reluctant Stereotypes
REO Speed Dealer
Reserectum
Results of Inbreeding
Retarted Elf
Revlon Spam Queens
Revolting Cocks
Rhinohumpers
Rhymes with Orange NEW!
Rhythm Method
Roaty Toaty Scrotum
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
Rodney King and the Nightsticks NEW!
Rolling Donut
Root Boy Slim and the Sex-Change Band with The Rootettes
Round Ear Spock
Rubber Nipple Salesmen
Rudimentary Peni
Rugburns
Rumplforskin NEW!
Rump Rangers
The Runz

[ q ]

QuarteRoy
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
The Queers
Queer Wookie
Question Mark & the Mysterians

[ s ]

Saltwater Vampires
Sam Esh & Hard Black Thing
Sam’s Butt
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Santa’s Dead
Satanic Chicken Fuckers
Satan’s Cheerleaders
Satan’s Cheese
Satan’s Penis
Saturated Fat
Saturday’s Garbage
Saturn Flea Collar
Schlong
Science Diet
Scoring Dope for the Ultimate Woman
Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel
Screaming Brocolli
Screaming Fucking Hippies
Screaming Headless Torsos
The Screaming Hormones
Screaming Iguanas of Love
Screaming Moist Accountants
Scrotum
Seasick Pirates NEW!
Senor Cummypants
Septic Death
7 Foot Spleen
7 Head Scream
Seven Minutes of Nausea
76% Uncertain
Seven Year Bitch
Severe Tire Damage
Sex Clark Five
Sex With Midgets
The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
Sharon Stoned
She Stole My Beer
Sheep On Drugs
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
The Shit
Shit Bong
Shit Birds
Shit Dogs
The Shitjackers NEW!
Shit Smell
Shit Spangled Banner
The Shit Wilsons
Shitty Shitty Band Band
Shoot the Mime
Shot Down In Ecuador, Jr.
Shower of Smegma
The Shower Scene from Psycho
Shower With Goats
Sick Little Monkey
Sick Things International
Sik Fuks
Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
Sinus Envy
Sister Run Naked
Six Inch Nipples
6 Hard Brothers and a Dog
69% Female
The Six Virgins
Skadelic Smegma
Skaffle House
Skankin’ Pickle
Skeptic Tank
Skinflick
Skunk Death
Slut Kitchen
Sluts for Hire
Sly and the Family Jewels
Small Ball Paul
Smegma
Smegma & the Nuns
Smell Bacon NEW!
The Smelling Pisstakes
Smelly Tongues
Smilin’ Hams
Smoking Popes
Smorgasborgnine
Snails on Acid
Snatch
Snatch Attack
Snatches Of Pink
Sneaker Pimps
Sniveling Shits
Snot Rocket
Snotty Scotty and the Hankies
Snuff the Ficus
Sodom & Gomorrah Liberation Front
Sofistifucks
Softcocks
Solosex
Some Kind of Cream
Soothing Sounds For Baby
Sorry About Your Daughter
Soul Coughing
The Sound of Munich
Sour Discharge
Spacecocks
Space Hog
Spaceman Bill and the Groovy Gravy
Space Negroes
Space Pussy
Spanking Bishops
Spastic Colon
The Spastic Rats
Speculum Fight
Spermbirds
Sperm Wails
The Sphinctones
Spock’s Johnson
Spooky Tooth
Stark Naked and the Car Thieves
Sucking Diction
Stale Urine
*.fat [pronounced STAR DOT FAT]
STD Police
Sticky Finger and the Pornos NEW!
Stiff Richards
Stiff Woodies
Stinky Fire Engine
St. Mucous
Stop Calling Me Frank
Straight Jacket Lucy
Strangulated Beatoffs
Strawberry Foreskin
Strong, Naked & Car Thieves [Sterk, Naken & Biltyvene]
Stud McCoy and the Creemy Twinkies
Stukas Over Bedrock
Stupid Fucking Hippie
Stupid White People
Sucking Chest Wound
Super Sonic Soul Pimps
Surfing Jesus
The Surf Maggots
Surgical Penis Klinik
Susanne and the Guys With Ties
Swallowing Shit
Swearing at Motorists
The Sweaty Bitch Hogs
Sweaty Nipples
Swingin’ Johnsons
Swingin’ Udders
The Swinging Love Corpses
Swollen Monkeys
Synthetick Statick Sex Goddess
The Syphilitics

[ t ]

Tall Dwarfs NEW!
Tastes Like Chicken
T-Bone and the Spit Vendors
Technosquid Eats Parliament
Ted Bundy’s Volkswagen
Ted Ed Fred
Teenage Jesus and the Jerks
The Telephony Bandits of Doom
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Ten Mile Tongue NEW!
Testostertones
Texas Is the Reason
The Texas Nazis
Thank God We’re Immortal
The The
The Tortillas You Wanted
The Very Idea of Fucking Hitler
They Tried To Frame OJ
They Were Expendable
Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
Third Global Vagina Torture
This
This Is Our Daughter
This Is Serious, Mum
Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments
Those Darn Accordians
3D House of Beef
The Three Honkeys Hung Like Donkeys
Three Meter Peter
Three-Stiff Trunk
Three Teens Kill Four
Throbbing Gristle
Throw That Beat In the Garbagecan
Thurston Howell’s Boner
Tit Wrench
Titty Bingo
To Live and Shave in LA
Toiling Midgets
Tonto’s Expanding Headband
Too Fat to Skate
Tooling for Bovines
Toothless Rooster Men
Tortured Scrotum
Toucan Slam
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Tragic Mulatto
Trailer Park Casanovas
Trailer Park Bitch
Transexual Hitler
Translucent Ballsacs NEW!
Traveling Dingleberries
Trotsky Icepick
Trout Fishing In America
Tumor Circus
Tupperware Death
Turkey Makes Me Sleepy
Twelve Pound Buttock
Two For Flinching
Two Minute Sinatra
Two Stroke Boner NEW!
2000 Flushes
Tyrannosaurus Rectum

[ u ]

UFOFU
UFO Lowrider
Ugly Head
Ultimate Spinach
Uncle Scam
Underpants Cowboy NEW!
Unidentified Rocking Objects
Uncle Bob Touched Me
Uncle Dickie’s Shameless Quickies
Uncle Sandwich
Underpants Machine
Universal Orgiastic Picnic
Unstoppable Kamikaze Iditos
The Urinals
Urine Specimen
Useless Pieces of Shit

[ v ]

Vagina Dentata Organ
Vaginal Blood Farts
Vaginal Davis
Vaginal Reference
Vampire State Building
Van Gogh’s Ear
The Vast Void of Empty Nothingness
The Vegas Cocks
Vegetarian Meat
The Velcro Pygmies
Venus and the Razor Blades
Vic Morrow’s Head
The Virgin Connie Swail
Virgin Prunes
Virgin-Whore Complex
Vermin from Venus
The Veronica Cartwrights
The Vibrators
Vic Vaccume and the Attachments
Violent Anal Death
The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black
Vomit and the Zits
Vomit Launch
Vomito Negro
The Vomit Spots
Vomit Thrower
Vomitorium
Voodoo Meat Bucket
Voodoo Tuna

[ w ]

Wafflebutt
Waffles Against AIDS [Vafler mot AIDS]
Walking With Edna
Was I Naked
Weird People in Giant Condoms
Weird Skull Control
The Well Hungarians
The Well I’m Sure I Left It There Yesterday Band NEW!
Well Strung
Wendy and Her Menstrual Cycles
We Need Girlfriends
When People Were Shorter and Lived By the Water
Where’s The Pope?
White People Lie
White Trash Debutantes
Who Carries the Organ NEW!
Whorehouse of Representatives
Whorgasm
Who The Hell Are You?
Why Do You Keep Cutting Off My Hands?
Willie Nelson Mandela
Wonderbred, the Refined White Flour Children
Woodpussy
The Wookie Basket
Wookie Chest Hair
Wookie Lust
Worse Than Celibate
Wrecked ‘Em
The Wrench Twisting Streetlickers
Wynona Ryders

[ y ]

The Yams from Outer Space
The Yeasty Girls
Yoko Homo
Yoko Ono’s Ass
Your Damn Neighbors
Your Naked Mother
You’ve Got Fetus on Your Breath

[ z ]

Zip Code Rapists
Zombies Under Stress
Zoogz Rift and His Amazing Shitheads
Zsa Zsa
Zulu Leprechauns

This page has been inducted into the Useless WWW Pages site and was named Mediocre Site of the Dayfor January 21, 1996. I’m so, uh, proud. Or something.

I’m tickled and touched that this site was named the “Julie Approved” Fabulous Site of the Day for March 4, 1996. But I still don’t know who Julie is.

This site was named Irene’s Crack House’s “Hit” of the Day for March 13, 1996 and Trog’s Pick of the Week for April 10, 1996. Also selected as Phatt!!! Site of the…for April-something, 1996.

This site was also Geek Site of the Weekfor the last week of September, 1996.

Read the cool review of this site by Brett Ratner in The Amplifier.

If you’re thirsty for more real band names, go lickety-split to Head Bands. Tell them I said “Hi!”

Thanks for visiting, and many thanks to those who have suggested band names.

The most frequently suggested band name is Anal Cunt. Good God. What are you people doing out there?

Rocket back to the top of the page, man!

[a] [b] [c] [d] [e] [f] [g] [h] [i] [j] [k] [l] [m] [n] [o] [p] [q] [r] [s] [t] [u] [v] [w] [y] [z]


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whybother.org assumes no legal, moral, political, social, psychological, economic, theological, meta-theological, meta-meta-theological or any other kind of responsibility you or your lawyer(s) can imagine for the studiously offensive content of “The Canonical List of Weird Band Names,” which has existed and circulated on the World Wide Web since nearly the dawn of time as we know it. We are neither the author of this list, nor do we have the faintest idea how to contact the author(s) of this list. It is neither our place nor our role to add, subtract, or otherwise alter names and urls as they appear in this document, which is represented here for purely historical purposes. This copy of “The Canonical List of Weird Band Names” may be validated against the December 6, 1998 copy archived at https://web.archive.org/web/19981206153233/ https://home.earthlink.net/~chellec/