March 17, 2004

Love Songs (2)

Jenny carefully slid her key into the apartment lock and gently opened the door. Peering in, she looked to see if they were there waiting for her, Leonard’s dreams. The moment they heard her they would come, biting and snarling to tangle in a heap at her feet. There was a time when the apartment had been filled with laughter and teasing and she had loved Leonard’s dreams, Leonard’s passions, Leonard. Her own dreams were tame. She had domesticated them long ago and eventually she noticed that they were just gone, dried husks of themselves that she must have swept out unnoticing one day. Creeping in she spotted Leonard at the kitchen table. He sat there; browsing through the stack of sailing books, and petting cruise to Baja as if it were a large cat. In fact, cruise to Baja was purring quite contentedly. Soon he would be foolishly talking about buying a boat. They couldn’t afford that and anyway, she was working now. The other dreams were arrayed around the room in varying degrees of somnolence. They lay strewn across the mounds of dream paraphernalia, the old electric guitar, the cameras, the books, and the massed accumulation of junk. Quiet though she had been, eventually the dreams notice her and came boiling and hissing to swirl around her, with the older ones content to snarl nastily from their perches. She was slowly suffocating in Leonard’s dream. “Get rid of them”, she yelled. “When are you going to face reality and get rid of them?” Jenny cried as she slammed the door on her way out. Hours later, Jenny came back to the apartment and found stacked on the stoop, blocking the door, the piles of junk from inside. The dreams perched in various places, some snarling, some howling, and some crying softly. Reaching for the door, Jenny saw the note resting in front of the electric guitar. “You were right Jenny. I’ve gone to look for a job”. Jenny smiled softly for a moment until distracted by the wild laughter of rock star who sat happily ensconced on her bulging suitcase.
March 3, 2004

Love Songs

Perfumed in moonlight and rain she approached. “Come, waltz with me” she whispered and her breath trailed like warm silk across my skin. The invitation beckoned, tantalizingly at the tips of her fingers as she extended her hand to me. It was not a waltz she offered. It was a chance to dream with her, a choice to be ensnared. Smelling of autumn and spring time she breathed, “Come, waltz with me”, luring me into her world of mystery and delight. She shed dreams, like a tree shedding leaves. The older ones lay scattered around her, dry and brittle with the musty scent of disuse while the new clung, fresh and pliant, scented with possibility. I watched as she spun slowly, her long skirts sweeping the dreams as they drifted around her. Trailing her finger down my forearm, disturbing the fine hairs there, “Come” she sighed. Dreams, fears, memories shone in her eyes, but I watched as she slipped into the mist alone.
January 30, 2004

A latecomer to an embassy ball…

…arrives at the top of the stairs and surveys the scene below. The room below is circular. There are 360 doors. On each door is an inscription. What is on the door the latecomer has arrived through? What is on the door directly opposite?
January 26, 2004

Data Has No Right to Integrity

The script is still working. It’s just that I “manually” edited a posting of mine at the same time that you were posting a reply. So that my edited “original” overwrote the “original” marked up with your reply. The result is that you can reach the entire thread through the home page, but not sequentially through the individual bead-pages of the thread. No loss. We’ll quickly forget the entire thing. Data has no right to “integrity” independent of our human interest, however individually or collectively we may care to negotiate that.
January 16, 2004

a gift

Shards of the shattered hourglass lay scattered on the table. The sand escaped, slowly, relentlessly filtering through the cracks and holes, vanishing into the mundane dust covering the floor, leaving only glass. Heedless of the shards, she plunged her hands into the sand seeking to contain it, to restrain it. Still it slipped inexorably through her fingers stained now, slightly red, from the conjunction of glass and flesh. As the sand diminished, she acknowledged what the glass had hidden. Captive it had passed from globe to globe infinitely, its quantity irrelevant to that infinity. A single grain would have sufficed. As the last grains trickled through her fingers she perceived the mystery hidden in the broken glass. Time is texture.
November 16, 2003

Malificent

He named you. Seeking harmony I let it pass, I, I who should have known better, I who believed in the power and shape of names. It was my prerogative and I let it pass, as if it were of no greater essence than the mist, thinking it no more than a lost dream and forgetting it was no less. And so he named you, gave you patrimony, power, place and purpose. He thought it done. A single act this giving, like conception, a single act, a simple action. He thought it done and you were his. But I had different visions and different dreams. I knew you not as an instant, but through time, in time. And so, I named you also, gave you names of my own. I named you secretly, gifting you with names of a different sort, names replete with meaning, and becoming. I named you with silence and curiosity. Where he gave you history and certitude, I gifted you with mystery and passion and I knew that you were mine. You are sleeping yet, among these gifts, his and mine. When at last you go seeking, what will you find?
November 11, 2003

Hannah

When I saw the flat, I knew that this would be the place where I would live for years to come. It just had a certain feel to it. The rooms were spacious and bright. The kitchen was quite large. It had a utility room and hookups for a washer and dryer. There was also a large fireplace in the living room which faced the back. There was a room in the middle of the flat that would work as a dark, quiet bedroom and two sunny, carpeted rooms in the front facing the street that could be used as space–for relaxing, reading, Yoga or some sort of fun yet to be determined. I decided I could afford it and I took it. I was retiring at age 44. I had a small house to sell in the East Bay and some investments. I had made a bundle in the stock market at one point and lost a bundle too but got out with enough to live on for some years. Maybe I thought till my mother passed away at which point I would get an inheritance. Not much of a retirement plan but it would do. I sold the house and moved into the new place. It was 1800 dollars a month for the rent. My other expenses would come to maybe 1200 I figured. That came to 3,000. I figured I could spend about another 1000 dollars a month more or less indefinitely. That is to say, many years. Long enough. So having settled on the location and financial arrangements of my new life, all that was left was finding something to do with the time. One problem was most of my friends had jobs, and some had wives and kids. Altogether, I figured my friends would keep me company three days a week at most. That was a lunch here, a dinner there, maybe a movie or concert once in a while. I was pretty certain that I would go nuts if I had to spend four days a week by myself taking walks in the park or sitting in cafes. So I needed some friends, lovers, buddies, but no coworkers please. Had enough of that. I wasn’t that desperate. The first scheme that I had was to take up photography again. I had been somewhat serious about it at one time but let it go. I still had the cameras and lenses though. I decided after surfing photography sites on the web that the thing to do was to take pictures of naked girls. That was it. That was the shit as my former dope dealer, Borgstrum, used to say. Now where to get the girls? Well, Haight Street was nearby and there was always a steady stream of runaways showing up on its sidewalks. Seemed dangerous though. I didn’t want to deal with angry suburban dads. My impression from reading the ads on Craigslist was that pretty much anything could be purchased in San Francisco. Nude models. OK, no problem. The first was Hannah. She was 18 she told me and pregnant but not showing yet. She answered my ad and within minutes was standing naked in one of the empty front rooms and looking at the lens through her legs. A real pro. Claimed she’d been doing it for years. This rag muffin doll had stringy hair. A kind of nascent dreadlocks. Hairy armpits. Unshaved pubes. Floppy boobs. And a very world weary feeling aura about her angelic and mostly empty head. She was perfect, I decided. I asked if I could touch her. She rolled her eyes up like some medieval Madonna beseeching an all powerful God. “No fucking. No sucking. But you can touch.” A pregnant pause, then “Me or yourself.” And just for clarity, “Try not to squirt on me.” Squirt. That was a good happy giddy thought. I had such a stupid happy look on my face that she laughed out loud. I grabbed the camera and took a picture. It was the best of the day. From then on, Hannah was one of my regulars or should I say, I was one of hers. We belonged to each other in a sense. She helped to fill the empty days and rooms of my little narcissistic paradise. I helped with groceries and rent. On her birthday, I gave her a funky leather and ceramic brooch. She liked it and gave me a big kiss on the lips. I squeezed her growing tummy and rubbed her pubes which she liked. After she left I washed my face carefully and hoped I didn’t get herpes. Hannah of course was not the only one, just the first. Next came Billie Jean. Sad, frumpy, a little fat. But BJ as I came to call her had one advantage over the chaste Hannah, she of the immaculate conception. Namely I could fuck her. She would lay down on the futon I purchased just for her and sweetly spread her legs. “Take me,” was her signature line as if there could be any doubt. When I told Hannah about Billie, she took a sudden interest, may be a competitive jealously even. “How often?” she wanted to know. And of course, “How much did you pay her?” “Don’t worry baby” I told her, “you’re the real one.” Hannah, now seven months pregnant was concerned enough to make an unsolicited offer. She would suck me. I would pay a little more. No more jacking off. Deal. I stopped calling Billie Jean after that. Hannah had quite a technique. She claimed secret knowledge of tantric pleasure spots, one in particular, near the base of my scrotum. She pushed and rubbed there with a firm but gentle touch. When I came, it was a complete release. A brief moment of sacred oblivion. A scattering of stars across a night sky. “Wow” I said humbled, “you’re good Hannah.” “I know” she said smiling like a little Cheshire cat. She opened her mouth wide to show me a big white wad of spunk. Stuck her tongue out. Scooped up a bit with her finger and smeared it on my belly. Off to the showers. There was a problem in the making. Hannah was about to have her baby. What would she name him? Shiva, Imani, Alaska, Marley, Journey, Hewatha, Yokoto, Man, Peyoti? She would toss out name ideas in rapid fire like some sort of deranged nun reciting a rosary or an announcer for some crazy horse race. “And it’s Imani in the stretch with Hewatha on the outside, and Shiva two lengths back but gaining fast!” “Very funny,” she said, not amused. Finally the big day came and at the hospital I stood by her bedside in awe, peering at the puckered little creature come to life, cradled in her arms, and I asked her, “Well, what name did you decide on?” “Tom. Jr.” I must have had a blank look on my face. She laughed but it was no joke. Those two front rooms are no longer empty. In one is an enormous pile of Hannah stuff I keep threatening to take to Goodwill and in the other a nursery. No crib. Not cool. But the futon has a soft blanket with bunny pictures now. And little Tom Marley looks up at me with baby Jesus eyes.
October 30, 2003

A Village

He sat by the side of the school, waiting. He and the clusters of other students that milled around, some raucous, some aimless, some like him carefully timing their entry into the line of students waiting for a parent to pick them up. He had learned to time the line. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes he failed miserably. Even when he was very young, he had known which parents he liked, and which he did not. By the time he was ten, he had begun to try to get picked up by the parents he preferred. Now, he had been watching the patterns for years. He could feel the flow of them. He had his favorite parents. He knew if he timed it right, he could spot the car of a parent he liked as it rounded the turn coming up to the school. He had to keep track of the cars as they appeared and disappeared approaching the school. Keep track of the place in line of the ones he liked and the ones he didn’t, then match those places with the line of students. It was a more difficult puzzle than anything school ever presented. On a good day he would go home with a parent he liked. Somedays it didn’t work. Somedays he ended up being picked up by some one he didn’t like, or worse, by someone who hated him. If you timed it wrong, when you got to the front of the line, you still had to get into the car that was there. But, he had been around a long time. The bad days were rare. He had learned the parents’ patterns and he played them. Sometimes he worked the line sending his friends home with the good parents. It wasn’t supposed to happen that way. It was supposed to be random. Each parent taking home whichever child was first in line at the time they arrived. After all, it takes a village to raise a child.
September 12, 2003

Too Many Notes

Disney HallIt sucked me right in, an article by Scott Timberg for the LA Times. “Discouraging words are seldom heard against Frank Gehry’s Disney Hall. Here are a few.” I like modern architecture in general; specifically I like the sculptural work that emerged from the demise of the “post-modern” and “deconstructivist” trends of the seventies and eighties. I particularly like Frank Gehry’s work. However, he has become something of a cultural icon, especially in Los Angeles, and who in our voyeuristic society is not interested in the demise of icons in general. So, I was interested to read what a critic might write about this particular work. There were many possibilities. Perhaps they did not like the sensual textural quality of the forms and surfaces. Perhaps they felt it was too similar to his previous work, that in essence it was a stagnantation of his efforts. Perhaps it had been found that the acoustics, always more art than science and experimental at best, were not tuning properly. All of these issues would have been interesting possibilities to explore, but no such luck. Some of the critiques have to do with urbanism. These concerned the integration of the building into the fabric of the city of Los Angeles and its potential to resolve the pervasive lack of life vitalizing that fabric. The other critiques, unintentionally I suspect, were about the place of creativity in our society. Disney HallTridib Banerjee, a Professor of Urban and Regional Planning at USC complained that the building is hard to see, there is no space around it for people to congregate or contemplate it fully. “With the Pompidou, (in Paris) there is a plaza in front of it, a site for assembly.” Apparently Banerjee has forgotten some of the lessons of sixties modernism. The grand plazas, both designed and legislated into being around many commercial and public buildings, often end up as dehumanizing windblown wastelands. Instead of connecting buildings to the fabric of a city, they intentionally set them apart, elevating and dissociating the edifices that they protect from the encroachment of the older, more humanely textured city. Banerjee seems not to appreciate that architecture can be enjoyed from a variety of equally valid perspectives. Yes, it can be gazed at from afar like some remote untouchable jewel, but perhaps it is a more interesting experience if your perspective is closer. If you can look up from beneath it, touch it, feel the change in texture and see the subtle play of light across a surface. You can find the dirt in the crevices and see the patina as it ages. Medieval cathedrals were built with the city up against them, rising out of the rubble of humanity. They were intertwined with their cities and the elevating aspect of experiencing them derived from using them. In this perspective, architecture has always been an early form of interactive art. The art object never stands alone. It requires a participant to give it life. It is a different kind of experience, equally interesting and not a matter of judging better or worse. Disney HallBanerjee also commented that “It is a public building. It should contribute to civic pride and public life. It should create a sense of public space.” Aside from the issue that “civic pride” and “public space” have no commonly accepted definition, he also has lost track of the client. It is not a public building. It was built for the Los Angeles Symphony via a massive private fund raising effort that took over a decade. The city of Los Angeles disassociated itself from the effort almost entirely. The city was certainly not the client and it is the client that gets to set the parameters of the problem. Lastly, the urban planners complain that the building turns its back on the pedestrian life on the street. You have to wonder what city they are living in as it certainly is not Los Angeles. There is no pedestrian life on the streets of Los Angeles. A lot of planners wish it were there, but they can’t quite figure out a way to legislate it into being now that they have decided that street life might be important. Disney HallThe client issue also arises with respect to the acoustics of Disney Hall. “The hall is built to amplify. It will be suitable only for orchestral and other acoustic music.” Well, you can’t be everything to everybody and this is particularly true for music where the shape of the building has a profound impact on the sound. Like it or not, when you and your friends donate hundreds of millions of dollars to build a structure, you get to decide what kind of music you want to hear. I would assume that you also get lifetime seats, but maybe not. If you want a venue for experimental music you need to go find your own sponsor. Disney HallMy favorite critiques, particularly with regard to their absurdity, concerned Gehry’s excess of creativity. More specifically, these critiques demonstrate an increasingly common unwillingness to think independently. Far too many people, politicians and educators in particular, seem not to know what they like until they have taken a poll. Li Wen, a faculty member at the USC architectural school commented “A difficult model for young students, for it tempts them to think that anything goes.” Forgive me, I must have misunderstood, when is it better to think that anything goes than in your youth? Youth is always tempted and unrestrained, only through experience can you know what works and what does not. Who better to dream wild dreams than our youth. It is sublimely ridiculous to say that we should not stretch creatively. Surely Li Wen’s obligation to his students is not to deter creative thinking, but to teach students what to do with a wildly creative idea when they get one, and interesting ideas are surely rare enough. Wen needs to help students find a technique for managing creativity so that it is not lost, to find a methodology for shaping ideas. Disney HallFinally we have Robert Ringstrom’s comment, “I am not comfortable with such personal self-expression.” Good God, then what on earth are you doing living in the United States. This reaction is actually foolishness on my part as the dichotomy between freedom and conformity is a well established part of American culture. Perhaps it has to do with our relative adolescence as a country, but that would mean the there is some hope of achieving a more mature approach, which I find unlikely. We have more freedom than anywhere else in the world, but we overlay the exercise of that freedom with a host of puritanical constraints. “Self expression” is evil, dangerous, and frowned upon. Creativity must be limited and constrained, corseted. It must be doled out by a pre-approved cultural authority. Ultimately the most interesting critique of Frank Gehry’s Disney Hall comes down to this dichotomy between freedom and conformity. We love the building because it is unique, challenging and sensual, but ultimately it doesn’t fit. It doesn’t further the popular urban agenda. You are challenged to decide whether of not to think and feel on your own, without the aid of a guide, or to surrender yet again to some sanitized version of what space, architecture, urbanism and life are supposed to be. (Photos: Gil Garcetti, Iron: Erecting the Walt Disney Concert Hall)